Lily Garcia on how to deal with an abusive boss

A reader writes: “My boss is a bully and controls through anger. He has had a revolving door of administrative assistants, and the only reason I’ve lasted so long is because I know to keep my mouth shut. Another woman here says the same about him. All the others have left, some after mere months.

“He requests a critique each year during my review. He wants to know how he is doing. Telling him he has anger issues is a non-starter. He would retaliate, even if under the radar — for example, by putting a big project in my lap. I seriously think a case could be made in regards to a hostile work environment and discrimination against women. But, if I always give him a free pass when he asks each year, then I’m stuck, right? I am petrified to tell him he needs counselling or anything that isn’t 100 per cent glowing.”

The response: In reality, you have but two distinct choices: either keep him happy by telling him what he wants to hear or bear the brunt of his anger. Giving him anything other than a glowing appraisal will be perceived by him as condemnation, so there is not much of a point in trying to diplomatically show him the error of his ways. You work for a narcissist who will feel deeply threatened by any feedback that challenges his fragile ego.

Do not delude yourself into believing that you might have some influence over your boss’ behaviour if only you can find a flawlessly tactful way of letting him know that he needs to work on anger management. It is a fool’s errand for you to try to help him. He will not be motivated to make a change in his demeanour merely because it hurts or offends you. It will take something truly dramatic such as the loss of his job or social status to make your boss appreciate that he might have a problem. Yet, even in the face of significant outward pressure, people like him sometimes still find a way to blame others for their shortcomings.

Because the shockingly high turnover among administrative aides reporting to your boss has gone unaddressed, I gather that he enjoys relative immunity from discipline because of his seniority in the organisation or his value to the bottom line. Even if they do not consciously recognise it, the leaders of your organisation may have calculated that it is better to forgive a bit of antisocial behaviour than offend your high-performing boss. Yet, I have seen many seemingly untouchable executives finally get what they deserve because one or two employees found the courage to speak out against abusive treatment.

Short of joining the long list of people who have quit the job you are in, your only viable options are to keep the peace by flattering your boss or let the leaders of your organisation know what is going on.

Being a bully is not illegal. Being a bully who targets women, in particular, with hateful and vindictive behaviour is another story. I cannot tell you whether your boss’ conduct necessarily rises to the level of what would constitute illegal harassment. But I can assure you that you have not waived your right to object to his maltreatment merely because you have previously indulged his desire to receive praise for his management style.

Source: The Washington Post